Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Falling in

It is officially Fall -- somehow that first Fall day came and went without my notice. My sister has already gone apple picking and pumpkins are piled at the front doors of stores. Seattle's Best Coffee has pumpkin cake and sweet cinnamon lattes -- the telltale marks of season shift -- specialty drinks. Here the shifts tend to be commercial more than anything else.
A few deciduous trees grow behind my house and let me believe in seasons when I look only at their leaves. I miss the acheiness that Fall brings with it. The sense of anticipation and loss and reflection. The smell of earth, decaying leaves, metallic winter air that some days presses so hard it hurts.
Fall is a quiet time.
Visual change stuns. The world processes despite of us. And so beautifully.
This Fall, I am trying to figure out my life.
How to use this segmented time. What the purpose of a day is. How to feel purposeful and smart and alive in routine. In complete lack of routine. In the midst of exhaustion. How to have adventure/excitement/passion. How to keep a relationship vibrant. Whether keeping another alive and smiling is enough to make a day worthwhile. How to be generous -- I have so much.
I am moving through days one at a time. Trying to stay present, though life feels whirling by in a slur even when I plod through the hours. It's sometimes confusing and aimless -- and sometimes too delicious to stand.*
*from an email to MCM