I don't know if I will ever publish this entry. That's what I've been waiting to know.
For 17 days we've been wondering if we will move to California. A potential job came up, with lots of contingencies. As of yesterday, it's confirmed that there is indeed, a position wide open and waiting, vaguely defined, possibly perfect.
Waiting is excruciating: a tightness in the chest, a knotted stomach. I feel like I am moving in a huge marshmallow suit, bulky, slow and absurdly distracted. I lose my keys at least three times a day. I cannot think in a straight line or retrace my steps. I find myself so deep in thought that when a kid asks me a question, it takes me a beat to resurface.
I won't even talk emotions: Imagine the graph on the machine that charts contractions; they chart similarly to that.
Tonight might be the night we will decide to move our family back across the country.
We've both been dazed, elated, paralyzed, devastated at the thought of it. Yet, as we talk about it, there does seem to be a certain order to it, a deep richness of these last four years that speaks to us like allowance.
I can see Ben out the window right now pacing the yard on the phone -- one of the phone calls that will determine our next step.
I thought he would get this phone call seven hours ago. S e v e n.
So I've taken a lot of deep breaths.
To keep from pounding Ben with questions or tackling him, I'm chopping.
This salad, it turns out, is a good one for waiting. For making the hands useful. And for eating later on (better than the Cheetos I've been having this week...)
Early Summer Brown Rice Salad
Adapted from Bon Appetit's Black Rice Salad with Lemon Vinaigrette
This salad is easy to tailor to whatever you have on hand -- any grain (black rice, barley, millet, quinoa etc), any summer veggies (grilled zucchini would be great, blanched asparagus, fresh peas, sugar snaps). For the dressing, the original recipe calls for lemon and white wine vinegar, but you can use any acid -- red wine vinegar, champagne vinegar, white balsamic (my new favorite on tomatoes with salt) etc.
1 part olive oil
3/4 part acid (see note)
bit honey or agave (1/8 part and then taste)
a good bit of salt
cooked and cooled brown or black rice
grape tomatoes, halved
red pepper, chopped
green beans, blanched and in bite-sized pieces