Monday, April 27, 2009

Day of Hellishness

Last night I flew home from Boston. The weekend was literally perfect. I think we talked straight from 9AM Friday to Sunday at 3. Apparently I had been starving for exactly that. And we wandered through Linda's town, drove to the shore, drank wine on a pier, sat in the sun, cooked together, and sat out on Linda's porch/sun room -- the perfect tree house.

Even though I landed after Silas and Eden's bedtimes, Ben picked me up in LA with both kids. The entire 45 minute drive home was practically euphoric -- we were all aglow and beaming at each other -- and seemed to affirm my hunch that this week would be FULL of energy, creativity, and great patience.

And then this morning arrived.

I had been up with Silas who just "needed" me from about 3AM-5AM, and at 6 he announced he was awake for the day. From that minute until now (7PM), we have done nothing but grate on each other, making for a day of tension and meltdowns. At 6PM, I wasn't just exhausted or on the brink of insanity, I was beaten and beyond discouraged.

In a matter of 10 hours I feel like I've become the most clueless, impatient, discouraging mother who knows nothing of her own child or how to meet a single one of his needs and has no idea how to reconnect after a few days away (which may = utter abandonment in the mind of a 3 year old??) That, and the fact that I have much less than a smudge of patience to my name.

And so I am now wrapped up in all sorts of thoughts about how Silas will be damaged for life because I don't know how to attune to or receive him, don't respond well to all sorts of whining and demanding (or better yet, don't see through those things and meet whatever needs are beneath).


This is not the regenerated reunion I was anticipating.


It is now an hour and a half after I wrote what's above. For the first time in 12 hours, Silas and I just connected leaning over a pot on the stove sprinkling cream of tartar and squeezing squatty bottles of food coloring to make the perfect green. Thank goodness for play dough and for the process of making something together...

What's amazing is that after this 20 minute togetherness, the rest of the night went seamlessly, and he is now tucked into bed.

How incredibly complex and utterly simple these little people are.

1 comment:

mMc said...

silas (and eden) are lucky & blessed to have a mother who puts so much thought, care and consideration into the daily interactions and exchanges with her children.
admiring YOU this morning.