Tuesday, April 30, 2013

maeve as a boy and slight paralysis

Last night I had a dream for at least the second time, that while I was changing Maeve's diaper, I realized she was a boy -- how had I missed that this whole time??  At least she was still a baby so announcing that she was a boy wouldn't be that bad, though it was strange I'd been putting her (him) in dresses all this time.  I'd have to give away all her clothes and change her name.  I was sad about losing the name.  In my dream, I kept looking at Eden thinking, this is my only daughter, and Silas has a brother now.  I think we were going to rename him Henry Gray and ask Eden if she wanted "Maeve" to become part of her name...

Some part of my subconscious must still be trying to absorb the fact that this third child is here and staying, and that, somehow, I do have daughterS.  Traveling alone with Maeve this weekend punctuated her mystery -- who is this tiny stranger?

Today is rainy.  The house is dark inside and the new-green on the trees through the windows looks almost yellow, glowing.

There is a mountain of unfolded laundry on the floor of Eden's room where Ben stashed it this weekend.  Usually I put it on our bed as a challenge/reminder to fold it before we sleep, though what we actually do is shove it on the floor, climb into bed, put it back on the bed in the morning, shove it off again at night etc. for a few days.  And though the house is quiet and it would be a good time to begin to create order, I can't bring myself to walk in there.  Or to turn on the light.  Or to unpack my suitcase.  So I'm sitting on the bed in half-light thinking about Maeve the baby who is, indeed, a girl, and wondering who in the world she'll become.

No comments: