me about a friend: He's like my little brother
Silas: Why's he like your little brother
me: Because he's like my brother and he's younger, he's Kaia Joye's age
Silas: Oooooh, she's a lot younger
me: Yeah, she's younger
Eden: Mom, how old are you?
me: I'm 34
Silas: How old is Kaia Joye?
me: She's 26
Silas, with a guffaw: She's in her 20's! Woah! she's probably not even a grown up yet! She doesn't make good decisions. She must be in college.
me: No, she's an adult, a young adult. She finished college and she has a job now.
Silas: What's her job?
me: Remember, she teaches kids on the island?
Silas: I wish I could be in one of her classes.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Tuesday, February 07, 2012
..wa.i.t.i..n..g........
I am home with Eden. It's Tuesday, a day when we're normally home. She is coloring and discussing crayons and which could be the color of skin -- orange? white? brown? The cough has been persistent for a day and a half, and she's wheezing, but it's the email I just received that has me waiting. E's friend she played with yesterday spent all night throwing up -- OH MERCY. With all the swirling changes right now, a night of throwing up (or two or three) feels more than bearable.
And we happen to be out of milk, eggs, yogurt and a few other essential foods.
Will she throw up in Trader Joe's? If she does, I probably will too. HA! picturing that now.
Eden is melting into puddles all over the floor. She's colored outside of the line of Ariel's hair so she has red on her forehead -- it's violated her sense of beauty.
The sky is low and downy today, scattered rain.
And we happen to be out of milk, eggs, yogurt and a few other essential foods.
Will she throw up in Trader Joe's? If she does, I probably will too. HA! picturing that now.
Eden is melting into puddles all over the floor. She's colored outside of the line of Ariel's hair so she has red on her forehead -- it's violated her sense of beauty.
The sky is low and downy today, scattered rain.
Sunday, February 05, 2012
on my helping out in Eden's classroom
A conversation over blocks:
me: Eden, I loved being in your class today.
Eden: I loved it. It was like golden -- wasn't it like golden?
me: It was, it actually was golden.
Eden: Yeah, it was like golden. I loved it.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
The End of Radio Silence
It has been weeks of taut waiting, the kind of waiting when your neck is craned looking down the road and all of your attention is captured. Days and days of this.
What we learned on Tuesday is that in a month and a half we will be moving to Washington DC.
Even to write the sentence feels altering. Life is altering.
We have lived here in California for nearly ten years. Though we've known each other for twenty, this is where Ben and I have grown up. We bought our first house here. We had our first baby here, sunny- faced Silas. We had our second baby here, moon-faced Eden with a shock of black hair. We've each nested into a group of friends we lean hard into, whom we tell truths to, whom we need and love. We clear our heads at the side of the ocean. We sit in the park and spill stories, drink tea, paint. We've built a family here, an extended family, a whole life.
And living here we have known motion, constant motion; we've climbed aboard planes often, dragged ourselves through time zones, teared when we've had to leave mother, father, cousins, sisters, brothers, smells of earthy woods, thunderstorms, and the place of childhood again and again.
So much heart pull in this bi-costal love.
And now, for the first time in a decade, we've decided to step out of this constant tug-of-war. Though, of course, we will just be changing the direction of the pull.
I'm having a hard time absorbing the implications of this change. My mind spins with the logistics, school districts, house listings, a departure date -- all of the transitions that lie ahead. I feel giddy, dizzy, wound tightly with to-do's, and unable, yet, to feel the pain of our departure.
What we learned on Tuesday is that in a month and a half we will be moving to Washington DC.
Even to write the sentence feels altering. Life is altering.
We have lived here in California for nearly ten years. Though we've known each other for twenty, this is where Ben and I have grown up. We bought our first house here. We had our first baby here, sunny- faced Silas. We had our second baby here, moon-faced Eden with a shock of black hair. We've each nested into a group of friends we lean hard into, whom we tell truths to, whom we need and love. We clear our heads at the side of the ocean. We sit in the park and spill stories, drink tea, paint. We've built a family here, an extended family, a whole life.
And living here we have known motion, constant motion; we've climbed aboard planes often, dragged ourselves through time zones, teared when we've had to leave mother, father, cousins, sisters, brothers, smells of earthy woods, thunderstorms, and the place of childhood again and again.
So much heart pull in this bi-costal love.
And now, for the first time in a decade, we've decided to step out of this constant tug-of-war. Though, of course, we will just be changing the direction of the pull.
I'm having a hard time absorbing the implications of this change. My mind spins with the logistics, school districts, house listings, a departure date -- all of the transitions that lie ahead. I feel giddy, dizzy, wound tightly with to-do's, and unable, yet, to feel the pain of our departure.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Silas and Eden on Grown-ups
overheard in the backseat:
Silas: grown-ups are different than kids
Eden: yeah, because they're bigger
Silas: and they know more words.
Eden: and they don't go to school
Silas: they don't wear diapers
Eden: yeah, and they don't wear colorful pajamas
Silas: and grown-ups mostly just talk to each other and kids play around.
Silas: grown-ups are different than kids
Eden: yeah, because they're bigger
Silas: and they know more words.
Eden: and they don't go to school
Silas: they don't wear diapers
Eden: yeah, and they don't wear colorful pajamas
Silas: and grown-ups mostly just talk to each other and kids play around.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Another's thoughts about time
I write and ache a lot about time's passing, about how Silas is now tall and lanky, all knees and elbows and nearly impossible to hold; about how Eden prances through the door to her classroom without a pause, and how I get teary most of all when I look at their old clothes. Letting people grow and keep growing hurts.
And then, of course, there are those older women who pop into your line of vision in elevators and grocery store lines who tell you how all of this passes so quickly and you should enjoy every moment -- I've written about those women before -- and the quiet pressure to inhabit every minute of the day and savor them.
Annemarie just sent me this link -- I have no idea who Momastry is and have never read another word by her, but I love this reflection she wrote about time so much that I'm posting it here. She nailed all of it.
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/#comment-25838
And then, of course, there are those older women who pop into your line of vision in elevators and grocery store lines who tell you how all of this passes so quickly and you should enjoy every moment -- I've written about those women before -- and the quiet pressure to inhabit every minute of the day and savor them.
Annemarie just sent me this link -- I have no idea who Momastry is and have never read another word by her, but I love this reflection she wrote about time so much that I'm posting it here. She nailed all of it.
http://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/#comment-25838
Sunday, January 01, 2012
The surprise of harbored hope (what I didn't get for Christmas).
The two weeks before Christmas, I thought I was pregnant.
After a messy bedtime of screaming and bad behavior on all of our sides, I lay on the floor of Silas and Eden's room imagining a third child in our picture -- what it would be like to be spread thinner, pulled more taut, the exhaustion of night waking, the return of back pain from hauling a big fat baby around. I turned over all the reasons two made sense -- the travel, Ben's travel, living without family. We live in the promised land -- no naps, diapers, baby food -- and would have to press reset. We've given all of our baby equipment away. I drive a prius.
I am pretty good at reasoning my way through things. But despite my pep talks and distancing tactics, ever fiber of my body bent into the question -- what if?
I told a few friends about the waiting. As my mouth glossed over the immensity -- we probably aren't, it's so unexpected, Ben's been great but we're planning on two -- tears welled in my eyes each time I named the possibility. Finally one friend looked at me and said, you are hoping for this so much. I can see the hope.
It's painful to name things we are hiding.
She was right. Despite the fears of exhaustion and dagger-like impatience, bodily aches and pains, I involuntarily was envisioning the whole next year pregnant, a September infant, another sibling for Silas and Eden, the beauty of a tight full belly, labor one more time, and the sweet-smelling softness of a newborn, another person to discover.
Naming the hope made the waiting more excruciating. Hope means danger. I hoped reluctantly, constantly flinging up reasons why it would be best not to have another, why biology would fail, why we wouldn't be, couldn't be pregnant. The persistant sharpness of my hope surprised me.
Right before Christmas, I took a test and it was negative. And though my period didn't come for three more days, I wasn't pregnant.
It was a weepy few days combined with the hormones of a period, Christmas celebrations, and travel back to California. Sitting at my kitchen table now on January 1st, I am now surprised by how little I can access that disappointment, grief.
We love to save face. We love to feel in control, to make it seem like all the elements of life we move in are of our choosing. There are many reasons why Ben and I love having two children -- a tape enumerating these reasons is playing in my head a lot these days. The tape is true. There's even relief in being "done."
But that's the only part of the story I seem to be letting myself access.
Building a family is a strange process, different than most things we build. We can plan it, yes. We can make choices, yes. But we don't exactly build it, even when we choose the number of embryos implanted. Even when we track ovulation. Even when we pray.
Sometimes we can't get pregnant. Sometimes the partner we love doesn't want any children, or wants fewer or more than we do. Sometimes we miscarry. Sometimes we have triplets. Sometimes our baby's heart doesn't develop in utero. Sometimes we have all boys. Sometimes we have a much larger or much smaller gap between children than we'd entertained. Sometimes our baby dies before he's born. Sometimes our adult child is diagnosed with a disease. Sometimes we've harbored a picture of "family" and realize our reality doesn't mesh with it. Sometimes we can't have biological children. Sometimes adoption takes ages. Sometimes our children are so stunning they take our breath away. Sometimes we don't get married. Sometimes our family is more full than we'd imagined. Always, we're surprised.
I have friends who have lived each of those sentences. We all have stories.
When I was talking to my mom recently she said, you may grieve not having a third child your whole life on some level. But that's the spiritual life, isn't it, not to let that grief dominate you, but to grow in gratitude and hope, too, to be able to hold both at once.
After a messy bedtime of screaming and bad behavior on all of our sides, I lay on the floor of Silas and Eden's room imagining a third child in our picture -- what it would be like to be spread thinner, pulled more taut, the exhaustion of night waking, the return of back pain from hauling a big fat baby around. I turned over all the reasons two made sense -- the travel, Ben's travel, living without family. We live in the promised land -- no naps, diapers, baby food -- and would have to press reset. We've given all of our baby equipment away. I drive a prius.
I am pretty good at reasoning my way through things. But despite my pep talks and distancing tactics, ever fiber of my body bent into the question -- what if?
I told a few friends about the waiting. As my mouth glossed over the immensity -- we probably aren't, it's so unexpected, Ben's been great but we're planning on two -- tears welled in my eyes each time I named the possibility. Finally one friend looked at me and said, you are hoping for this so much. I can see the hope.
It's painful to name things we are hiding.
She was right. Despite the fears of exhaustion and dagger-like impatience, bodily aches and pains, I involuntarily was envisioning the whole next year pregnant, a September infant, another sibling for Silas and Eden, the beauty of a tight full belly, labor one more time, and the sweet-smelling softness of a newborn, another person to discover.
Naming the hope made the waiting more excruciating. Hope means danger. I hoped reluctantly, constantly flinging up reasons why it would be best not to have another, why biology would fail, why we wouldn't be, couldn't be pregnant. The persistant sharpness of my hope surprised me.
Right before Christmas, I took a test and it was negative. And though my period didn't come for three more days, I wasn't pregnant.
It was a weepy few days combined with the hormones of a period, Christmas celebrations, and travel back to California. Sitting at my kitchen table now on January 1st, I am now surprised by how little I can access that disappointment, grief.
We love to save face. We love to feel in control, to make it seem like all the elements of life we move in are of our choosing. There are many reasons why Ben and I love having two children -- a tape enumerating these reasons is playing in my head a lot these days. The tape is true. There's even relief in being "done."
But that's the only part of the story I seem to be letting myself access.
Building a family is a strange process, different than most things we build. We can plan it, yes. We can make choices, yes. But we don't exactly build it, even when we choose the number of embryos implanted. Even when we track ovulation. Even when we pray.
Sometimes we can't get pregnant. Sometimes the partner we love doesn't want any children, or wants fewer or more than we do. Sometimes we miscarry. Sometimes we have triplets. Sometimes our baby's heart doesn't develop in utero. Sometimes we have all boys. Sometimes we have a much larger or much smaller gap between children than we'd entertained. Sometimes our baby dies before he's born. Sometimes our adult child is diagnosed with a disease. Sometimes we've harbored a picture of "family" and realize our reality doesn't mesh with it. Sometimes we can't have biological children. Sometimes adoption takes ages. Sometimes our children are so stunning they take our breath away. Sometimes we don't get married. Sometimes our family is more full than we'd imagined. Always, we're surprised.
I have friends who have lived each of those sentences. We all have stories.
When I was talking to my mom recently she said, you may grieve not having a third child your whole life on some level. But that's the spiritual life, isn't it, not to let that grief dominate you, but to grow in gratitude and hope, too, to be able to hold both at once.
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