Monday, June 28, 2010

More about the pediatrician, or at least more about answers

In thinking about it more -- in the case of feverish children, pediatricians certainly do have appeal, but for me right now, they reflect my hunger for answers.

(Aside: just last week I found out my doctor screwed up Silas's immunization record and gave him an unnecessary shot -- !!!!!! -- I was (am) livid. Big flaw).

I guess the thing about parenting -- both the most terrifying and utterly cozy thing -- is that we do it alone. Even when we have amazing friends, family, support, within the walls of our house, when we look our child in the eye, no one sees us. No one hears us. We are on our own.

The past two weeks, with jet lag, fatigue, adjustment between DC and here, I've found myself a little lost on my own and in want of answers. Clear lines drawn for how to parent well. Silas is four and throws major tantrums. How to respond (at all) constructively? Eden screams and kicks and flails when Ben tries to change her diaper and only wants me. How to counter her rejecting? Question after question...

And perhaps the answer is there is no answer. We often hear that we're terrorized by all the information at our fingertips, that too much of a good thing is, indeed, bad. Are we becoming more enlightened as we learn or more obsessive? Probably a bit of both. Either way, it sure is easy to lose touch with our guts and own quiet wisdom and let impatience rule. Especially when we're tired. Which I am. And this week, even as we've embraced summer at the museum, pancake house, zoo, swimming pool, easel, and kitchen table, I've been struck by how quickly I can lose sight of Silas and Eden, themselves -- their needs, humor, and delights-- and see only the busyness and duties that come with them.

I realize it again and again, how brief this time is when they saturate us -- our minds, muscles, hours, and energy. As I sit here stuck in this rut, maybe rather than hunting for answers, I should start trying to see the small people in front of me.

4 comments:

amy said...

First, I want to encourage you that you are not alone- God is our ever present help in troubled times and I have seen first hand the power of God (through prayer) in my children's lives! Second- I've read a lot of parenting books, but right now I am reading one that I wish I had read years ago, when the struggles first started b/c it has given me some real hands on ideas of how to correct and address the heart as well. It is called Good and Angry and you can find it on Amazon- I definitely recommend it! Hugs from the east coast, babe! Love you!

mMc said...

I actually know you to be a person who sees the small people in front of you quite well and the amazing fact is that you look for them everyday.

i love reading your reflections on parenthood, cooking, family, EVERYTHING!

love u.

babyschneider said...

Hmm. Wow, Bronwen. I so value and appreciate your honesty in this post! It's funny. I feel like the blog I literally just wrote sort of seems to empathize, in a way, with you. Granted, for an earlier stage of parenting experience... more of anticipation and acknowledge of that unknown - the balanced elements of it being beautiful to be able to be the parent you chose to be as well as the pressure in that.

Not that you need or want my judgement, but I'd like to just say that I think you're a phenomenal parent. Or as my friend put it really cutely recently, you're a PhenomeMom!!!

Maybe part of being a parent is also understanding how difficult we are - as people - and how much God loves us, despite how much we persist in sinning, hurting ourselves, making life more difficult... and straining our relationship with Him?

Whatever the case, whether there's a deep theological implication behind it or if it's just the need for a relaxing bubble bath, I may not be a parent YET, but I think you're not alone!! :) And if being pregnant counts, then I'm right there with you.

xoxo

babyschneider said...

Hmm. Wow, Bronwen. I so value and appreciate your honesty in this post! It's funny. I feel like the blog I literally just wrote sort of seems to empathize, in a way, with you. Granted, for an earlier stage of parenting experience... more of anticipation and acknowledge of that unknown - the balanced elements of it being beautiful to be able to be the parent you chose to be as well as the pressure in that.

Not that you need or want my judgement, but I'd like to just say that I think you're a phenomenal parent. Or as my friend put it really cutely recently, you're a PhenomeMom!!!

Maybe part of being a parent is also understanding how difficult we are - as people - and how much God loves us, despite how much we persist in sinning, hurting ourselves, making life more difficult... and straining our relationship with Him?

Whatever the case, whether there's a deep theological implication behind it or if it's just the need for a relaxing bubble bath, I may not be a parent YET, but I think you're not alone!! :) And if being pregnant counts, then I'm right there with you.

xoxo